Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The ever-increasing triviality of American life is good news for you and the other employees of the squirrel-waterski factory.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Normally, you shouldn't blame society for your problems, but the truth is that every civilization on Earth has decided you should be publicly humiliated.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You've been eating in Mexican restaurants for years now, but you still don't see how the free chips and salsa are "how they get you."
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll be reminded of an old clichÈ about warranties next Monday, your 91st day with an artificial heart.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The interesting thing about the blood of the innocent isn't the taste or the occult power it gives you, but just how little there actually is.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be forced to choose between profit and dignity when creative directors tell you that your story would make a great young-adult diaper ad.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The importance of getting out to vote will be brought home when, in a close election, the Democrats take control of your favorite chair.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will strongly consider firing your entire PR team when your shoplifting trial fails to get the high-profile treatment it deserves.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Pundits will hail it as a victory for justice, if not jurisprudence, when you are sentenced to death by lethal injection for no particular reason.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A future filled with consequence-free lying suddenly becomes possible when you find a stylish, comfortable brand of fireproof pants.
