Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The ever-increasing triviality of American life is good news for you and the other employees of the squirrel-waterski factory.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Normally, you shouldn't blame society for your problems, but the truth is that every civilization on Earth has decided you should be publicly humiliated.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You've been eating in Mexican restaurants for years now, but you still don't see how the free chips and salsa are "how they get you."
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll be reminded of an old clichÈ about warranties next Monday, your 91st day with an artificial heart.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The interesting thing about the blood of the innocent isn't the taste or the occult power it gives you, but just how little there actually is.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will be forced to choose between profit and dignity when creative directors tell you that your story would make a great young-adult diaper ad.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The importance of getting out to vote will be brought home when, in a close election, the Democrats take control of your favorite chair.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will strongly consider firing your entire PR team when your shoplifting trial fails to get the high-profile treatment it deserves.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Pundits will hail it as a victory for justice, if not jurisprudence, when you are sentenced to death by lethal injection for no particular reason.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A future filled with consequence-free lying suddenly becomes possible when you find a stylish, comfortable brand of fireproof pants.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Just because Ernest Borgnine hasn't spoken to you in more than 30 years doesn't necessarily mean he's angry.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.