Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
After a grisly incident next week, specialists will need to use your dental records to identify all your cavities.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The forgiveness of the Lord is nigh-infinite. Unfortunately for you, the "nigh" part seems to include animal mutilation, child vandalism, and personal arson.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Just so you know what to tell the doctor: Separation anxiety is not what you feel when all your major joints are separated.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the U.N. insecurity Council.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Next thing you know, Old Jed's a millionaire, but you'll be damned if you can figure out how he did it.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your small town will ban all dancing after witnessing your ungainly attempts at that "Ketchup Song" dance.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars would love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A soon-to-be-released university study will show that you are less likely to refuse offers of drugs than anyone in the known universe.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be surprised by the lack of approval you elicit after saying "Don't blame me, I voted for Nader."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
