Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
After a grisly incident next week, specialists will need to use your dental records to identify all your cavities.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The forgiveness of the Lord is nigh-infinite. Unfortunately for you, the "nigh" part seems to include animal mutilation, child vandalism, and personal arson.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Just so you know what to tell the doctor: Separation anxiety is not what you feel when all your major joints are separated.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the U.N. insecurity Council.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Next thing you know, Old Jed's a millionaire, but you'll be damned if you can figure out how he did it.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your small town will ban all dancing after witnessing your ungainly attempts at that "Ketchup Song" dance.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The stars would love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A soon-to-be-released university study will show that you are less likely to refuse offers of drugs than anyone in the known universe.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be surprised by the lack of approval you elicit after saying "Don't blame me, I voted for Nader."
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The judge will declare a mistrial in your capital-murder case, not for any legal reason but out of a desire to listen to Lou Reed's Mistrial.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.