Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.
Libra September 23 - October 23
It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white ass laughed off the stage.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.