Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white ass laughed off the stage.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.
