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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

February 5, 2003 | Issue 39•04

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white ass laughed off the stage.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.

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