Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The media will proclaim you the new John F. Kennedy for your charisma, sense of style, and massive gunshot wound to the back of the head.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your concern over what kind of mother you'll be is admirable, not to mention rare for such a young man.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll continue to question your faith in a God who would allow the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're proud of your conviction that rules were made to be broken, but it might be wise to keep this from the prosecuting attorney.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
All the wishing in the world can't bring your dead mother back to life, but animal sacrifices have been known to work wonders.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, but that doesn't mean you should feel comfortable once you're out of the hospital.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will finally be cleared of wrongdoing in the infamous "Bloodbath At Bala Hissar," when the Royal British Marines admit it happened 130 years before you were born.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll run up against a problem that all the charm in the world can't solve, so it's a good thing you haven't got any.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're one of the rare people who's willing to die for what you believe in, which is strange because you mostly just believe in using as many coupons as possible.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's nice that you enjoyed the chicken pot pie, chips, and beer, but the genie was surprised you didn't try the old "wishing for more wishes" trick.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Next week is a good one for romance in the workplace, but why they always have to use your office is beyond you.
