Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The media will proclaim you the new John F. Kennedy for your charisma, sense of style, and massive gunshot wound to the back of the head.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your concern over what kind of mother you'll be is admirable, not to mention rare for such a young man.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll continue to question your faith in a God who would allow the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You're proud of your conviction that rules were made to be broken, but it might be wise to keep this from the prosecuting attorney.
Leo July 23 - August 22
All the wishing in the world can't bring your dead mother back to life, but animal sacrifices have been known to work wonders.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, but that doesn't mean you should feel comfortable once you're out of the hospital.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will finally be cleared of wrongdoing in the infamous "Bloodbath At Bala Hissar," when the Royal British Marines admit it happened 130 years before you were born.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You'll run up against a problem that all the charm in the world can't solve, so it's a good thing you haven't got any.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You're one of the rare people who's willing to die for what you believe in, which is strange because you mostly just believe in using as many coupons as possible.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's nice that you enjoyed the chicken pot pie, chips, and beer, but the genie was surprised you didn't try the old "wishing for more wishes" trick.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Next week is a good one for romance in the workplace, but why they always have to use your office is beyond you.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The incident-reconstruction specialists will thank you for the chance to work with so many monkeys.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.