Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Just so you know: A blood drive is not necessarily a success just because you've set records for the laundry bill.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You've always thought of your life as original, but it turns out to be identical to that of the daughter of a young couple from Leinster, Ireland, in the mid-1700s.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
In spite of everything, you'll manage to stay on the good side of your wife, the trained-seal woman, the trombonist, and the Las Vegas Fire Department.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Change is ahead, but don't worry: A year from now you won't be able to remember a life outside of Army desert field hospital #740.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You're getting the feeling that your underlings are doing all the work. Maybe you shouldn't have gone with Cheney.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
After 36 hours of beatings fail to wrest a confession out of you, Interpol will just forge your signature.
Libra September 23 - October 23
It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Scientists are slowly abandoning the idea of the infinite universe in favor of one that's merely big enough for your mother's fat ass.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will be struck down by horror and anguish when you learn that the events chronicled in the song "Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" really happened.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You've finally achieved the personal and financial independence that will allow you to fulfill your life's craziest dream: to dance naked on the Berlin Wall.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You have no empathy or compassion, and are mystified by motivations other than raw personal ambition. Enjoy Harvard Business School.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will spend another week putting off the inevitable unpleasantness, but, come to think of it, that's life.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.