Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Just so you know: A blood drive is not necessarily a success just because you've set records for the laundry bill.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've always thought of your life as original, but it turns out to be identical to that of the daughter of a young couple from Leinster, Ireland, in the mid-1700s.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
In spite of everything, you'll manage to stay on the good side of your wife, the trained-seal woman, the trombonist, and the Las Vegas Fire Department.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Change is ahead, but don't worry: A year from now you won't be able to remember a life outside of Army desert field hospital #740.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You're getting the feeling that your underlings are doing all the work. Maybe you shouldn't have gone with Cheney.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After 36 hours of beatings fail to wrest a confession out of you, Interpol will just forge your signature.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Scientists are slowly abandoning the idea of the infinite universe in favor of one that's merely big enough for your mother's fat ass.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be struck down by horror and anguish when you learn that the events chronicled in the song "Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald" really happened.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You've finally achieved the personal and financial independence that will allow you to fulfill your life's craziest dream: to dance naked on the Berlin Wall.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You have no empathy or compassion, and are mystified by motivations other than raw personal ambition. Enjoy Harvard Business School.
