Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Love is strange. Repeating this fact no matter how you achieve orgasm will vastly aid your mental well-being this week.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your life will be improved enormously by the sudden appearance of a wisecracking toady who leers over your shoulder and repeats the last word of every sentence you utter.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You've always thought of Death as a journey into the infinite, but it turns out to be a lot more like Harry Dean Stanton.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You just don't have what it takes to be a contemporary man; in spite of your intelligence, compassion, and instinct for fun, there's still the gigantic tits.
Leo July 23 - August 22
And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
In spite of your photos, the Church will profess ignorance of the origin of the phrase "Lord love a duck."
Libra September 23 - October 23
Yet another great moment in American oration will be ruined by your constant, vicious heckling of Mr. Sandler.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You're excited to get what you've always deserved until you realize it amounts to $4.27 in pizza coupons.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You've never considered yourself a genius, which helps you avoid damaging blows to your self-image this Sunday.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You have always rejected the doctrine of reincarnation as superstitious nonsense, which comes as a great relief to Hindu couples expecting children early next month.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
There's no life for you without love, except in the strictest biological and durational sense.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.