Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Love is strange. Repeating this fact no matter how you achieve orgasm will vastly aid your mental well-being this week.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your life will be improved enormously by the sudden appearance of a wisecracking toady who leers over your shoulder and repeats the last word of every sentence you utter.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've always thought of Death as a journey into the infinite, but it turns out to be a lot more like Harry Dean Stanton.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You just don't have what it takes to be a contemporary man; in spite of your intelligence, compassion, and instinct for fun, there's still the gigantic tits.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
In spite of your photos, the Church will profess ignorance of the origin of the phrase "Lord love a duck."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Yet another great moment in American oration will be ruined by your constant, vicious heckling of Mr. Sandler.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're excited to get what you've always deserved until you realize it amounts to $4.27 in pizza coupons.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You've never considered yourself a genius, which helps you avoid damaging blows to your self-image this Sunday.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You have always rejected the doctrine of reincarnation as superstitious nonsense, which comes as a great relief to Hindu couples expecting children early next month.
