Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you've been in floorcoverings for 17 years.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A sign from the heavens will guide your every waking moment for the foreseeable future. It will be a sign telling you about The WB's hot new show Greetings From Tucson.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Although you've always wondered if this is all there is to life, it's not like you've done anywhere near all of this in the first place.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll continue to encounter long silences after uttering your trademark catchphrase, "Who fucked a chicken in here?"
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'd chew through piles of the dead for a smile from a pretty girl, which is fortunate.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're not even the greatest lover in the food court, which is what you get for working at Barry White's Supperteria.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
An unusually reticent Satan will take you to a somewhat high place and, in exchange for your allegiance, offer to make you treasurer of all you survey.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You like to think you can be relied on to do the right thing in a crisis. Well, enjoy your last few days of believing that, pants-wetting panic bunny.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it's not in any way based on Hamlet.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Unfortunately, there are only "kill or cure" solutions to your problem, but, hey, anything's better than hiccups.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will once again have to deal with obvious fabrications, emotionally manipulative arguments, and outright insanity, but it means so much to your mom when you take her to church.
