Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Somehow, it's even more insulting that the circus to which you've been sold is huge in Finland.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll go crazy if you can't remember the other good song by Question Mark & The Mysterians. Which is too bad, because Taurus isn't going to help you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You realize that it's pointless to worry about dying before your time. You've been way ahead of schedule for years now.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Not that anyone asked them, but the stars believe that a pair of squabbling adult stepsisters sharing an apartment is a great idea for a sitcom.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You have very little say in your fate or what will eventually befall you, but don't let that keep you from voting.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Just so you know, fate doesn't necessarily have something special in store for you just because nothing particularly notable has happened to you yet.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
This week will be unlike any you've ever experienced, but that has a lot less to do with you than it does the flaws in the space-time continuum.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You deserve to burn to death screaming in front of a national TV audience. If it's any consolation, it would have happened whether you'd deserved it or not.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Charles Durning will soon contact you to reiterate that he has no intention of ever working with you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It will be too late by the time you read this, but you became severely allergic to shellfish somewhere along the way.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've always believed that anyone can be forgiven, but you'll find it hard to apply to the busload of sailors currently going down on your mom.
