Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Aries, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will seek the ancient wisdom of a witch doctor, but you'll have no idea what he means by "Ooh Eee Ooh Ah-Ah Ting-Tang Walla-Walla Bing-Bang."
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Society at large will expect you to donate to the Professional Wrestlers' Widows & Orphans Fund due to the unspoken code of ignoblesse oblige.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will belatedly realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
After all is said and done, no one will have said or done anything involving you in any way.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The streets will soon run red with blood and echo with the tortured cries of the unforgiven, but you'll be amazed how quickly you get used to it.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The only thing that keeps you from realizing your potential is the depressing awareness that it probably wouldn't take much time or effort.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Studies show that Colombia has the highest murder rate of any place in the Americas, except the place where you'll be standing at noon tomorrow.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You should start studying physical and geometric optics now, so you'll have a better understanding of what's happening when you're suddenly converted to photons.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The stars advise you to reconsider your plans for the future, as they're not going to happen in Capricorn's back yard.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though you're so fat, you should have your own zip code, you continue to use that of Fatsoville, your city of residence.
