Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Aries, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will seek the ancient wisdom of a witch doctor, but you'll have no idea what he means by "Ooh Eee Ooh Ah-Ah Ting-Tang Walla-Walla Bing-Bang."
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Society at large will expect you to donate to the Professional Wrestlers' Widows & Orphans Fund due to the unspoken code of ignoblesse oblige.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will belatedly realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
Leo July 23 - August 22
After all is said and done, no one will have said or done anything involving you in any way.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The streets will soon run red with blood and echo with the tortured cries of the unforgiven, but you'll be amazed how quickly you get used to it.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The only thing that keeps you from realizing your potential is the depressing awareness that it probably wouldn't take much time or effort.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Studies show that Colombia has the highest murder rate of any place in the Americas, except the place where you'll be standing at noon tomorrow.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You should start studying physical and geometric optics now, so you'll have a better understanding of what's happening when you're suddenly converted to photons.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The stars advise you to reconsider your plans for the future, as they're not going to happen in Capricorn's back yard.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though you're so fat, you should have your own zip code, you continue to use that of Fatsoville, your city of residence.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will soon be unwillingly forced into a flurry of activity when you are chosen to host the 2014 Winter Olympiad.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.