Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It will be hard for you to fill Dick Clark's shoes, so be sure to use a high-quality hydraulic cement.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your moodiness, lack of productivity, and wasteful habit of just riding around the main roads will get you fired from your job as a Wichita-area lineman.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be the first one put up against the wall in next week's bloody revolution in skin care.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
It takes a lot to offend you, but you are profoundly outraged that Ricky Schroeder is hosting the new American Sportsman.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
For the last time: Yes, there is a parasitic life form growing in some sort of pod deep inside your body, but this is perfectly normal for a pregnant woman.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Tired of the austerity of modern architecture and disdainful of minimalist doctrine, you'll probably just stay home and order a pizza Thursday.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The gods, in their jealous wrath, will command you to perform the labors of Hercules next week, but it turns out to be a snap with the aid of modern technology.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will come close to being a hero next Friday when you nearly push an old lady out of the way of a speeding bus.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Remember: Doing the right thing is nowhere near as important as whether others think you're cool.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You won't be too worried about the buildup of trinitrotolulene in your system, until you figure out it's the scientific term for dynamite.
