Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your life is becoming boring, particularly to the people watching through the little peepholes.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You'll deliver triplets in an elevator this week, even though they aren't due for three months and the elevator isn't stuck.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You were brought up to love and fear God, but it's women who you truly love and fear.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your life has been a wonderful and varied symphony, but the bassoon, lower brass, and tympani are getting more minor-key solos this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You've always been ready for when push comes to shove, but you'll be unprepared when push comes to uppercut, broken bottle, and meat saw.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You're going to get one more chance to make it right. However, please note that in this case "it" refers not to your life but to beef Wellington.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You'll fail to deal with a personal tragedy this week, wasting all of your time trying to determine whether you deserved it.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your dream of becoming an accountant is ruined forever when economic circumstances force you to found and direct a modern dance troupe.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Though you consider yourself a master of anal sex, you're just a strange combination of hyper-organization and raw sensuality.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your future is wide open, an endless ocean of possibilities, as long as you do nothing that takes more than three days.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The stars have decided that your life needs no changes, at least from their perspective.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Drugs and alcohol are not the answer to your problems. Then again, hard work and self-reliance are, so drugs and alcohol will have to do.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.