Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Wednesday will be a good day to make business decisions. Business decisions made on any other day will cause the Nikkei index to plunge.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics, as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You can barely contain yourself when you hear the national anthem, causing you to explosively deliquesce before the Packers game this Sunday.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You've long been familiar with Marshall's theory of the Marginal Disutility of the Laborer, but you've just figured out that it means you'll now have to deep-fry stuff for 40 hours a week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Everyone wants the world to love them, but not everyone tries to win the world's affection by baking it an enormous pie.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There's something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you'll soon find out for yourself.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your desire to defend your country by being a soldier is admirable, but most people who feel that way simply join the armed forces.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
People generally get the sort of government they deserve, which is why the nation's biggest assholes cast write-in votes for you in the upcoming election.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your shock and horror will be only partially offset by the prospect of great wealth when Liza Minnelli adopts you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
People will finally lose patience with you this week when God announces He's been finished with you for years.
