Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll barely be able to make it through the day knowing that Ben Vereen is disappointed in you.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars appreciate that you want to protest rampant corporate corruption, but they don't see what you think the giant puppets are going to accomplish.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will be the first person in almost three millennia whom the gods see fit to punish for an astounding lack of hubris.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You understand that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, but you still aren't sure which is supposed to be better.
Leo July 23 - August 22
This Saturday, evil gangsters will target an FBI crime dog who lives with a goofy mailman. Fortunately, it will happen on HBO, so you're still safe for the time being.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The reality is, if people can't believe that yellow grease is not butter, this country is seriously fucked up.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your confusion over the baffling ordeal of modern life is only made worse by the strobe lights and klaxons.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You may not be able to walk, but you refuse to think of yourself as handicapped. You prefer to see yourself as "handi-crippled."
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You understand that Alaska's economy has been hit hard by the poor salmon season, but you don't see how hunting you will improve matters.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will soon discover the only brand of stylish, functional, high-tech sunglasses that make you feel like a complete man.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You thought you'd heard of all the kinky fetishes, but that was before next week's launch of a 24-hour doll-collecting channel.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You're familiar with the saying "throw the baby out with the bathwater," but you never imagined you'd actually find yourself in the situation.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.