Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll barely be able to make it through the day knowing that Ben Vereen is disappointed in you.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars appreciate that you want to protest rampant corporate corruption, but they don't see what you think the giant puppets are going to accomplish.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be the first person in almost three millennia whom the gods see fit to punish for an astounding lack of hubris.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You understand that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, but you still aren't sure which is supposed to be better.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
This Saturday, evil gangsters will target an FBI crime dog who lives with a goofy mailman. Fortunately, it will happen on HBO, so you're still safe for the time being.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The reality is, if people can't believe that yellow grease is not butter, this country is seriously fucked up.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your confusion over the baffling ordeal of modern life is only made worse by the strobe lights and klaxons.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You may not be able to walk, but you refuse to think of yourself as handicapped. You prefer to see yourself as "handi-crippled."
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You understand that Alaska's economy has been hit hard by the poor salmon season, but you don't see how hunting you will improve matters.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will soon discover the only brand of stylish, functional, high-tech sunglasses that make you feel like a complete man.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You thought you'd heard of all the kinky fetishes, but that was before next week's launch of a 24-hour doll-collecting channel.
