Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you don't understand why they always have to use yours.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You continue to hurt the ones you love–not because you're a weak or bad person, but because narrative logic seems to demand it of you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be profoundly moved by a free tin of mints from a marketing company that clearly cares very much about you.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
In the harsh light of day, your plans seem crude and childish, making it all the more obvious that you need a good planning lamp.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The story of your love life seems boring and uneventful, so Fate has decided to throw in a plane crash and swordfight toward the end.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
No matter how many children you abduct, you can't seem to garner national media attention. Next time, stick to pretty white girls.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Though you are locked in a corn-chip packaging plant with no way to escape, you refuse to think of yourself as "trapped."
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will experience monumental shifts in your sense of self-worth next week after your value is tied to the peso.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your suicide would have been the stuff of country-music legend if Billie Joe McAllister hadn't jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge the very same day.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will undergo a crisis of faith when your pastor cannot explain to you why everyone at the Last Supper was on one side of the table.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You are eager to undergo hip-replacement surgery until you realize they're just going to put in another hip.
