Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you don't understand why they always have to use yours.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You continue to hurt the ones you love–not because you're a weak or bad person, but because narrative logic seems to demand it of you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will be profoundly moved by a free tin of mints from a marketing company that clearly cares very much about you.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
In the harsh light of day, your plans seem crude and childish, making it all the more obvious that you need a good planning lamp.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The story of your love life seems boring and uneventful, so Fate has decided to throw in a plane crash and swordfight toward the end.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
No matter how many children you abduct, you can't seem to garner national media attention. Next time, stick to pretty white girls.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Though you are locked in a corn-chip packaging plant with no way to escape, you refuse to think of yourself as "trapped."
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will experience monumental shifts in your sense of self-worth next week after your value is tied to the peso.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your suicide would have been the stuff of country-music legend if Billie Joe McAllister hadn't jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge the very same day.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will undergo a crisis of faith when your pastor cannot explain to you why everyone at the Last Supper was on one side of the table.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are eager to undergo hip-replacement surgery until you realize they're just going to put in another hip.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars see your hopes dashed, your dreams mocked, and your friends proven false, and so they say: Stop hanging out with theater people.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.