Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You always thought an amoeba was a simple, single-celled organism, but the description seems to fit you perfectly.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be exasperated and embarrassed by your appearance on Fox's Let's Give A Million Bucks To The Guy With The Cleanest Underwear.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your lawyer's closing arguments will hinge on the premise that you're too damned ugly to have even considered killing all those people.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your real-estate investments won't seem so wise when the Dow crashes though the roof of the apartment complex you recently bought.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will set a new record as the person most often struck by stray gunshots, flaming debris, and rampaging flightless birds escaping the circus.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It may be time to reassess the risk/reward ratio of your nickel-counterfeiting operation.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The war for your stomach escalates when the vitamin fortifications of your complete breakfast are destroyed by a single well-placed Bomb Pop.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
While no one will ever take your place in her heart, two tennis instructors, a bassist, and several of your friends have taken your place in her other areas.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
It does nothing to ease your pain when Miami Dolphins linebacker Zach Thomas is fined $7.25 for assaulting you at a fried-chicken restaurant.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your characterization of your recent firing as a "Pyrrhic victory" illustrates your tendency to misinterpret classical references.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You're a guy who loves children. Which is good, as you're about to find out just how many you have.
