Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You always thought an amoeba was a simple, single-celled organism, but the description seems to fit you perfectly.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be exasperated and embarrassed by your appearance on Fox's Let's Give A Million Bucks To The Guy With The Cleanest Underwear.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your lawyer's closing arguments will hinge on the premise that you're too damned ugly to have even considered killing all those people.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your real-estate investments won't seem so wise when the Dow crashes though the roof of the apartment complex you recently bought.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will set a new record as the person most often struck by stray gunshots, flaming debris, and rampaging flightless birds escaping the circus.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It may be time to reassess the risk/reward ratio of your nickel-counterfeiting operation.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The war for your stomach escalates when the vitamin fortifications of your complete breakfast are destroyed by a single well-placed Bomb Pop.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
While no one will ever take your place in her heart, two tennis instructors, a bassist, and several of your friends have taken your place in her other areas.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
It does nothing to ease your pain when Miami Dolphins linebacker Zach Thomas is fined $7.25 for assaulting you at a fried-chicken restaurant.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your characterization of your recent firing as a "Pyrrhic victory" illustrates your tendency to misinterpret classical references.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're a guy who loves children. Which is good, as you're about to find out just how many you have.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.
Past Horoscopes
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Aries You'll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you're the nation's leading supplier of horse laxatives.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Taurus Clear and open communication is the key to a successful marriage. Signal to your wife that you love her using the semaphoric alphabet.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Gemini You'll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Cancer Prom can be the most memorable night in a young girl's life. However, if the barbiturates do their job, she should still have trouble identifying you the next morning.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Leo Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Virgo All of your sins will come back to haunt you— especially those involving boomerangs, tether-balls, and vengeful homing pigeons.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Libra While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Scorpio You'll still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Sagittarius Your mother always said she wasn't made of money, but you and your local blood donor clinic are going to prove her wrong.