Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be reminded of your steady physical decline when paleontologists mistakenly identify you as the remains of a long-extinct species of dugong.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You're worried about your upcoming trial because, as an arrogant evil genius, you're not sure what the court considers a "jury of your peers."
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The dangers of time travel become all too real when you meet your new boyfriend's parents and discover they come from the year 1956.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You finally realize your dream of opening your own restaurant, but in doing so, you've provoked the ire of those who think it should let in people besides you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll put up a valiant effort during an upcoming gunfight, but in the end, victory will belong to the gun.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be rewarded for your slavish scenestership with burial in the Tomb of the Well-Known Poseur.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be known as the Mao of block captains when you instruct everyone in your neighborhood to assemble iron smithys in their backyards.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The ghost of E.B. White will appear to you and exact revenge for every extraneous comma you've ever used.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A close brush with death will shock you into turning your life around and becoming heavily involved in drinking, drugs, and casual sex.
