Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be reminded of your steady physical decline when paleontologists mistakenly identify you as the remains of a long-extinct species of dugong.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You're worried about your upcoming trial because, as an arrogant evil genius, you're not sure what the court considers a "jury of your peers."
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The dangers of time travel become all too real when you meet your new boyfriend's parents and discover they come from the year 1956.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You finally realize your dream of opening your own restaurant, but in doing so, you've provoked the ire of those who think it should let in people besides you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'll put up a valiant effort during an upcoming gunfight, but in the end, victory will belong to the gun.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will be rewarded for your slavish scenestership with burial in the Tomb of the Well-Known Poseur.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will be known as the Mao of block captains when you instruct everyone in your neighborhood to assemble iron smithys in their backyards.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The ghost of E.B. White will appear to you and exact revenge for every extraneous comma you've ever used.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A close brush with death will shock you into turning your life around and becoming heavily involved in drinking, drugs, and casual sex.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You always knew you'd go to hell in the end, but no one mentioned you'd have to sit next to the proud inventor of Post-It Notes.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.