Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be reminded of your steady physical decline when paleontologists mistakenly identify you as the remains of a long-extinct species of dugong.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You're worried about your upcoming trial because, as an arrogant evil genius, you're not sure what the court considers a "jury of your peers."
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The dangers of time travel become all too real when you meet your new boyfriend's parents and discover they come from the year 1956.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You finally realize your dream of opening your own restaurant, but in doing so, you've provoked the ire of those who think it should let in people besides you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll put up a valiant effort during an upcoming gunfight, but in the end, victory will belong to the gun.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be rewarded for your slavish scenestership with burial in the Tomb of the Well-Known Poseur.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be known as the Mao of block captains when you instruct everyone in your neighborhood to assemble iron smithys in their backyards.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The ghost of E.B. White will appear to you and exact revenge for every extraneous comma you've ever used.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A close brush with death will shock you into turning your life around and becoming heavily involved in drinking, drugs, and casual sex.
