Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Religious turmoil looms large in your future as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
Libra September 23 - October 23
This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
An unusual series of events will teach you to never underestimate the abilities of a master Ninja or pastry chef.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.