Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Religious turmoil looms large in your future as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
