Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The Spam Museum will seem a lot less fun and kitschy when you are put on permanent display.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Though it's true that you live a life of quiet desperation, with the right shabby clothes and scruffy beard, it could get you all the chicks.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
There will be no monuments or memorials to mark your tragic and violent death during next week's bloody revolution in floor coverings.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Religious turmoil looms large in your future as a vengeful God once again refuses to bless that mess.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will finally acknowledge that being known as "America's Best-Kept Secret In Horribly Deformed Freaks" is kind of a mixed blessing.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
This week's mishap won't set your zookeeping career back much. Anyone could have mistaken Tyne Daly for a majestic silverback lowland gorilla.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be faced with the unenviable task of telling somebody that they have lost that loving feeling without breaking into song.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While it's true that love means different things to different people, you'll be saddened by how many people think it includes shiny objects.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
