Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your motto has always been "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out,'' but only in reference to germs that cause coughing, sneezing, and congestion.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Though you enjoy doing the Times crossword puzzle, your addiction to the thrill of anticipation means there's nothing worse than finishing it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're a man magnet, which, while enjoyable, does mean you're constantly demagnetizing your credit cards.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will shatter existing records for speed and distance when you're struck by a car while walking across the Bonneville Salt Flats.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
If you do the naughty things you really want to do, you'll become popular and enjoy yourself, but occasionally feel bad.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will suffer contusions, fractures, and a hard slap after your short, poorly planned career as the Unicycling Kissing Bandit.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You're fine with using a rifle and sleeping in a tent for the next three weeks, but you can't figure out what kind of army uses temporary employees.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your boyfriend says he isn't going to put up with much more of your crap, but now you've got little bows to put on it.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's said that there's a thin line between love and hate, but that's just a metaphor. Stop asking what color it is.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You were brought up to believe that if you toed the company line, worked hard, and never spoke out of turn, you'd be rewarded. Well, you're president, so there's something to it.
