Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
A White Sox scout will tell you he likes your fastball and curveóbut not your sliderómoments before police forcibly remove him from your cubicle.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Sometimes, it is okay to be treated like a child, but it would be nice if your coworkers didn't always spell out the naughty words when you're around.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your hot streak with the opposite sex continues, which is unfortunate, as you're trying to remain celibate and gay.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
It's been three long, difficult months, but take heart: You've shattered the world record for time spent trapped in a burning bus.
Leo July 23 - August 22
What most people don't seem to understand is that normal dentures lack the air of excitement and danger of your prosthetic badger jaw.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
True, the little black dress is a tasteful, slimming classic, but you are a rodeo clown.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Some people are visual learners, others are auditory learners, and you learn best when things are beaten into you.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your hope that your son will live a happy life, free from suffering, is somewhat at odds with your decision to name him "Sasha."
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Though you demand that the part of you be played by Robert Culp, Mr. Culp takes understandable exception to portraying a milquetoast slob.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your poisonous spikes have helped you fend off predators, but the iridescent scales don't seem to attract potential mates.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your trial takes a turn for the bizarre when the sexy judge slaps you with a ball-gag order.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.