Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The jury won't buy your story of demonic possession. Which is no big deal, because the demon just wanted your Milk Duds.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You do not subscribe to the sinful, heretical theory of evolution. You do, however, subscribe to Young & Chubby Bubble Bottom.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Though it's been years, you haven't given up hope that the government will issue a formal apology for calling you a spoiled, self-centered brat.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You won't accept the "Gaia" theoryóthe notion that the entire Earth is one huge organismóso long as the cacti are your friends and the ferns want you dead.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It's okay to tell a girl you like the way she walks, as long as you do it politely, and she's not an amputee who uses those clip-on arm canes.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Actually, your form of love is a crime, but, due to a loophole, you're not guilty.
Libra September 23 - October 23
It might be the absolute last straw, but at least it's one of those fun and colorful flexi-straws.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will soon experience a mystical transformation into a higher form of pure, ultimate consciousness, but you still won't be a "math person."
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
War will ravage the land, leaving cities in ashes and causing no stone to lay atop another, when you try to enforce your definition of classic rock.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Though you and the dedicated cop will have many things in common, such as a love of the hunt and a taste for danger, it can only end one way.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You have the freedom to choose, and therefore have the potential to transcend your very nature through an act of will, but you will only choose extra cheese.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
By the time you finally learn to relax and/or live with yourself, your vacation and/or life will be almost over.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.