Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Since you've been searching for its meaning for years and are no closer to finding the answer, the stars will help you: It's Spanish for "the crazy life."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The old adage, "If you fall, get right back up on the horse," is sound enough advice, but it assumes you own the horse and that you weren't knocked off by a Medieval Times employee.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You just haven't been able to shake the feeling that you'd be a whole lot better off if you were A.J. Foyt.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your desire always to have the last word will prove excruciating next week while singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in a round.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Though you do everything you can do to save the girl's life, the only thing you can do is juggle and do a few simple card tricks.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
By this time next week, you'll either be hung or hanged. Our apologies for any inconvenience the ambiguity may cause.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will soon be exposed to the most rocking music ever, but due to your unrockable nature, you will remain profoundly unrocked.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars were going to shout, "Look out! Behind you!" but you probably wouldn't fall for that old trick. Even though there really is a guy with a gun there.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Though juries are supposed to look for probable cause before finding a defendant guilty, yours will decide to sink you for being such a fatso.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The universal variation from one person to the next may be broad and deep, but, somehow, everyone in your family always winds up being lawyers.
