Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Since you've been searching for its meaning for years and are no closer to finding the answer, the stars will help you: It's Spanish for "the crazy life."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The old adage, "If you fall, get right back up on the horse," is sound enough advice, but it assumes you own the horse and that you weren't knocked off by a Medieval Times employee.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You just haven't been able to shake the feeling that you'd be a whole lot better off if you were A.J. Foyt.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your desire always to have the last word will prove excruciating next week while singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in a round.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Though you do everything you can do to save the girl's life, the only thing you can do is juggle and do a few simple card tricks.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
By this time next week, you'll either be hung or hanged. Our apologies for any inconvenience the ambiguity may cause.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will soon be exposed to the most rocking music ever, but due to your unrockable nature, you will remain profoundly unrocked.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars were going to shout, "Look out! Behind you!" but you probably wouldn't fall for that old trick. Even though there really is a guy with a gun there.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Though juries are supposed to look for probable cause before finding a defendant guilty, yours will decide to sink you for being such a fatso.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The universal variation from one person to the next may be broad and deep, but, somehow, everyone in your family always winds up being lawyers.
