Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
No one will believe that the threats and angry demands for payment in the ransom note were meant as an elaborate joke.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Though it feels as if you'll live your whole life without anyone ever appreciating you, don't give up yet. There's still more than a week left.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You still haven't had any luck finding someone who doesn't make undignified noises, strange faces, or jerky movements during orgasm.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Remember: When using a chisel gouge, use the bevel and not the shank to make your cuts, go perpendicular to the grain, and strap the nurse down tight.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The wheels of fate have begun the inexorable turning that will one day lead to your bitter divorce from Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Plaxico Burress.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The thing that finally sends you over the edge turns out to be your missing the season finale of Witchblade.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll soon find yourself in the midst of a power struggle, as two corrupt and ruthless families fight for control of a small town. Whatever you do, don't trust the drunken undertaker.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The race does not always go to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but the job of lead singer always goes to the guy with the best hair.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will have one of the worst days of your life next week. However, since it's one of several thousand worst days of your life, it's not all that significant.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A bizarre series of events will lead to your selling real estate in a small town in New Jersey.
