Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll learn the hard way that you shouldn't attempt to attract the attention of dimwitted coworkers carrying extension ladders.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Next week, Death shall tire of his burden and lay down his scythe for a day to spend time among mortals, but he won't be able to resist doing you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Years of practice can give yoga devotees the ability to touch their toes to the backs of their necks, but you'll achieve the same thing by drinking pesticides.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You may be as big as a house, but carpet and room deodorizer still can't take the place of conventional deodorant.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will come tantalizingly close to achieving your life's ambition when you're placed next to the "center square."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You thought you were that tragic, romantic ideal, a man with nothing left to lose, but you somehow forgot about your pants.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your life of devout and committed Buddhism will come to nothing when, after the tragic events of next Tuesday, you are reincarnated as a Catholic.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You'll never understand why it is that every time you've almost finished a bottle of whiskey, it breaks itself over your head and runs off with your wallet.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your new girlfriend is not actually so sweet you could use her shit for toothpaste, but that won't stop you from trying.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your habit of faking an Irish accent to get attention is even more pathetic considering you're a lifelong resident of Dublin.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your determination to be the last man standing will be the deciding factor in a life-or-death game of musical chairs.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
No matter how hard you try, nothing you ever do or achieve will please Alec Baldwin.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.