Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
This week, you'll be living proof that one man can make a differenceóat least to the owners of Lucky Lucy's All-U-Can-Eat Buffet.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll be at the center of a gay-rights battle this week when you try to claim partnership benefits from both your lesbian and heterosexual marriages.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your dream of operating your own karaoke bar is shattered when you discover, on opening night, that you need to let others sing, too.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Once again, you are relegated to being the one who causes the distraction while someone else gets to sneak past in the confusion and save the girl.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will learn the hard way that climbing a mountain isn't the kind of thing to do drunk. But you promised.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The name "The Stripper Murderer" looms large in your future. Apparently, you'll either murder some strippers or be murdered by one.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
When resolving office conflicts, remember the wisdom of Mahatma Gandhi: If enough peasants die horribly, someone will probably notice.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will find yourself living out the lyrics to a popular song, sort of, when love slaps you down where you belong.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Events will soon come to pass which will brand you forever as "the kind of guy who doesn't freak out if you shit in his stove.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars, without giving too much away, think there has never been a better time to stay home and avoid all galactic-adventure sci-fi movies.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.