Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
This week, you'll be living proof that one man can make a differenceóat least to the owners of Lucky Lucy's All-U-Can-Eat Buffet.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll be at the center of a gay-rights battle this week when you try to claim partnership benefits from both your lesbian and heterosexual marriages.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your dream of operating your own karaoke bar is shattered when you discover, on opening night, that you need to let others sing, too.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Once again, you are relegated to being the one who causes the distraction while someone else gets to sneak past in the confusion and save the girl.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will learn the hard way that climbing a mountain isn't the kind of thing to do drunk. But you promised.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The name "The Stripper Murderer" looms large in your future. Apparently, you'll either murder some strippers or be murdered by one.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
When resolving office conflicts, remember the wisdom of Mahatma Gandhi: If enough peasants die horribly, someone will probably notice.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will find yourself living out the lyrics to a popular song, sort of, when love slaps you down where you belong.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Events will soon come to pass which will brand you forever as "the kind of guy who doesn't freak out if you shit in his stove.
