Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your prayers have finally been answered. Unfortunately, they're your prayers from 20 years ago. Start looking for a place to put all the ponies.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will achieve a certain sort of renown for your brief stint as host of the Animal Planet program The Crocodile Hunted.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your career as a plastic surgeon is in danger of coming to a premature end this week, when you confront your arch-enemy, the dreaded Steel Surgeon.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You're rapidly becoming known as the office peacemaker, thanks to your ownership of a long-barreled, .44 caliber Colt Peacemaker.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will, through no doing of your own, receive as much as 10 percent off on a major purchase.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You'll become the most popular thing in South Florida when the bigger bonefish start hitting hooks baited with you.
Libra September 23 - October 23
There's probably an easier way to get through life, but at this point you've gotten used to using the shovel.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Everyone knows you're the one who murdered the Dell Computer dude, but relax: There isn't a jury in the world that'd convict you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your entire month will be ruined when a so-called "very special guest" turns out to be Alec Baldwin.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's been almost three decades, but you think you're finally beginning to recover from the long, national nightmare of Vietnam movies.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though you think of yourself as quite the character, Charles Dickens once said he would only give you eight or nine thousand words.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
It's been said that there are only two things that come out of Texas: steers and queers. You're going to change all that.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.