Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your prayers have finally been answered. Unfortunately, they're your prayers from 20 years ago. Start looking for a place to put all the ponies.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will achieve a certain sort of renown for your brief stint as host of the Animal Planet program The Crocodile Hunted.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your career as a plastic surgeon is in danger of coming to a premature end this week, when you confront your arch-enemy, the dreaded Steel Surgeon.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're rapidly becoming known as the office peacemaker, thanks to your ownership of a long-barreled, .44 caliber Colt Peacemaker.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will, through no doing of your own, receive as much as 10 percent off on a major purchase.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll become the most popular thing in South Florida when the bigger bonefish start hitting hooks baited with you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There's probably an easier way to get through life, but at this point you've gotten used to using the shovel.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Everyone knows you're the one who murdered the Dell Computer dude, but relax: There isn't a jury in the world that'd convict you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your entire month will be ruined when a so-called "very special guest" turns out to be Alec Baldwin.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's been almost three decades, but you think you're finally beginning to recover from the long, national nightmare of Vietnam movies.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though you think of yourself as quite the character, Charles Dickens once said he would only give you eight or nine thousand words.
