Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your prayers have finally been answered. Unfortunately, they're your prayers from 20 years ago. Start looking for a place to put all the ponies.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will achieve a certain sort of renown for your brief stint as host of the Animal Planet program The Crocodile Hunted.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your career as a plastic surgeon is in danger of coming to a premature end this week, when you confront your arch-enemy, the dreaded Steel Surgeon.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're rapidly becoming known as the office peacemaker, thanks to your ownership of a long-barreled, .44 caliber Colt Peacemaker.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will, through no doing of your own, receive as much as 10 percent off on a major purchase.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll become the most popular thing in South Florida when the bigger bonefish start hitting hooks baited with you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There's probably an easier way to get through life, but at this point you've gotten used to using the shovel.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Everyone knows you're the one who murdered the Dell Computer dude, but relax: There isn't a jury in the world that'd convict you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your entire month will be ruined when a so-called "very special guest" turns out to be Alec Baldwin.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's been almost three decades, but you think you're finally beginning to recover from the long, national nightmare of Vietnam movies.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though you think of yourself as quite the character, Charles Dickens once said he would only give you eight or nine thousand words.
