Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The gods will punish you for your hubris and arrogance by introducing you to someone who makes richer, creamier mashed potatoes than you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You've been through a lot of trying times in your life, but one of the hardest to get over will be the day you learn that Jar-Jar is now a senator.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
As you look back on your life as a squirrel, your only regret is that you let others discourage you from pursuing your dream of waterskiing professionally.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The stars foresee profound changes ahead for Libra, but they insist on describing them in vague, non-specific terms.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
As the June issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your fear of being assassinated is groundless. Important figures are assassinated; you will be beaten to death with a rake behind the Safeway.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You've tried and tried, but there seems to be no way for you to safely extricate yourself from the welded-on one-man-band outfit.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Advocates for the homeless will soon make you a very tempting membership offer
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You can't, for the life of you, understand why nobody sees through Drew Barrymore's obvious façade.
Past Horoscopes
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Aries You'll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you're the nation's leading supplier of horse laxatives.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Taurus Clear and open communication is the key to a successful marriage. Signal to your wife that you love her using the semaphoric alphabet.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Gemini You'll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Cancer Prom can be the most memorable night in a young girl's life. However, if the barbiturates do their job, she should still have trouble identifying you the next morning.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Leo Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Virgo All of your sins will come back to haunt you— especially those involving boomerangs, tether-balls, and vengeful homing pigeons.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Libra While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Scorpio You'll still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Sagittarius Your mother always said she wasn't made of money, but you and your local blood donor clinic are going to prove her wrong.