Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The gods will punish you for your hubris and arrogance by introducing you to someone who makes richer, creamier mashed potatoes than you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've been through a lot of trying times in your life, but one of the hardest to get over will be the day you learn that Jar-Jar is now a senator.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
As you look back on your life as a squirrel, your only regret is that you let others discourage you from pursuing your dream of waterskiing professionally.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars foresee profound changes ahead for Libra, but they insist on describing them in vague, non-specific terms.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
As the June issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your fear of being assassinated is groundless. Important figures are assassinated; you will be beaten to death with a rake behind the Safeway.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You've tried and tried, but there seems to be no way for you to safely extricate yourself from the welded-on one-man-band outfit.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Advocates for the homeless will soon make you a very tempting membership offer
