Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your desire for a belt of human nipples wanes when you are told where human nipples come from.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
If it makes you feel any better, red to you is not red to everyone else. Other people's red is slightly deeper and more tasteful.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've never asked for much out of life, but you have every reason to be disappointed, anyway.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
An unexpected career change will give you cause to look back fondly on the days when you had no idea who made fat-granny pornography.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Most people believe they're the star of their own story, but you're actually a supporting character in the story of that guy Dave in the design department.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're not actually the lost prince of a world within our own, forced to hide among the surface dwellers to protect yourself from your vengeful uncle. But thinking that may help you somewhat.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The age-old war between the sexes will come to an end next week when you unleash your nuclear sex bomb.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
If you think happy endings are superficial and unrealistic, you should be pleased with the way it all wraps up next Thursday.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The wonder is not how well the bear dances, but that it can dance at all. Still, the bear dances a hell of a lot better than you do.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will devise a scheme that guarantees worldwide peace and prosperity, but it turns out to be unmarketable.
