Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your desire for a belt of human nipples wanes when you are told where human nipples come from.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
If it makes you feel any better, red to you is not red to everyone else. Other people's red is slightly deeper and more tasteful.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You've never asked for much out of life, but you have every reason to be disappointed, anyway.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
An unexpected career change will give you cause to look back fondly on the days when you had no idea who made fat-granny pornography.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Most people believe they're the star of their own story, but you're actually a supporting character in the story of that guy Dave in the design department.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You're not actually the lost prince of a world within our own, forced to hide among the surface dwellers to protect yourself from your vengeful uncle. But thinking that may help you somewhat.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The age-old war between the sexes will come to an end next week when you unleash your nuclear sex bomb.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
If you think happy endings are superficial and unrealistic, you should be pleased with the way it all wraps up next Thursday.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The wonder is not how well the bear dances, but that it can dance at all. Still, the bear dances a hell of a lot better than you do.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will devise a scheme that guarantees worldwide peace and prosperity, but it turns out to be unmarketable.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Lord knows you've tried, but you still can't understand how one person could watch all the high-quality TV they offer.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.