Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The stars indicate that they have stepped out for a moment and will be back at 3 p.m., if the little clock on their door can be believed.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Those closest to you will continue to try and edge away as politely and quietly as possible.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
By all means, move confidently in the direction of your dreams, as long as that means spending a great deal of time asleep.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your assumption that the dog doesn't know how funny he looks in the wig assumes a lot about canine intelligence, dignity, and sexuality.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your impassioned calls for equality between the races continue to go unheeded by the world's cetacean rulers.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
As much as you try to control your own destiny, the Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Recent events have strengthened your resolve to finally get around to burning all those bodies you've got lying around.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will feel clearer and more organized but somehow less vital when the story of your life is professionally copy-edited.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
