Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The stars indicate that they have stepped out for a moment and will be back at 3 p.m., if the little clock on their door can be believed.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Those closest to you will continue to try and edge away as politely and quietly as possible.
Leo July 23 - August 22
By all means, move confidently in the direction of your dreams, as long as that means spending a great deal of time asleep.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your assumption that the dog doesn't know how funny he looks in the wig assumes a lot about canine intelligence, dignity, and sexuality.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your impassioned calls for equality between the races continue to go unheeded by the world's cetacean rulers.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
As much as you try to control your own destiny, the Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Recent events have strengthened your resolve to finally get around to burning all those bodies you've got lying around.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will feel clearer and more organized but somehow less vital when the story of your life is professionally copy-edited.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.