Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Virgo is proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.