Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Virgo is proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
