Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will soon be judged by a jury of your peers, although finding 12 equally drunk bus drivers will not be easy.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
It turns out the voices in your head that tell you how to behave are called your "conscience" and that listening to them will ruin your career in advertising.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Before this week, you thought "nibbled to death by ducks" was merely a funny way of describing the bureaucratic process.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You are growing increasingly annoyed with popular culture's continued misinterpretation and trivialization of the vampire's point of view.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will experience the sort of pain normally felt only by careless entrants in theWorld's Strongest Man competition.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will successfully avoid being pulled over by burly mustachioed state troopers, thanks to your invention of the Gaydar Detector.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will feel a strange mixture of personal embarrassment and artistic revulsion when you are lampooned by The Capitol Steps.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You were born bearing the burden of original sin, but that has not stopped you from indulging in several hundred derivative types.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your theory regarding governmentmind-control devices is right, except for the part about the tinfoil helmets being an effective way to stop them.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The paramedics will be forced to rip you out of your suit and cut off your tie to save you from wearing an absolutely ridiculous suit and tie.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're half right: Heaven does not, in fact, want you, but Hell is not the least bit concerned that you might take over.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how much fun it is to destroy things.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.