Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It's true that people often become what they hate. This explains why you're slowly becoming a pineapple-and-anchovy pizza.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You're not the kind of person who can wear those fashionably low jeans, mostly because you can't figure out how pants are supposed to work.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will have one of those disorienting "through the looking glass" moments when you are thrown through a large looking glass.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The unexpected arrival of quintuplets in your life wouldn't be so bad if you could figure out whose they were.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You're not the type to rest on your laurels when there are perfectly good couches available.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will achieve modest fame as a lion tamer, but audiences won't like you nearly as much as the man who has absolutely no control over the lions.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
No one would go to Salina, KS, without stopping for a world-famous CozeeBurger–except you.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The only thing worse than a trick yo-yo man is a trick yo-yo man who applauds after each one of his yo-yo tricks.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The men from the recliner company will stop laughing just long enough to claim they've never seen anyone lose a leg in one of their products before.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will find yourself in yet another argument over whether Murasaki's The Tale Of Genji is the world's first true novel.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
They will comfort you after the accident by saying there was nothing you could have done, leaving unsaid the fact that most people would have at least tried hitting thebrakes.
