Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Give yourself a well-deserved treat by mixing incompatible drugs and having an ill-advised sexual encounter. You owe it to yourself for the week you're about to have.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will soon learn the subtle value of silence in those who disapprove of you.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The stars indicate that you've been looking good lately. Also, they need to borrow $20.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Next week, you will learn the hard way just how important it is to pay attention to the fine print noting that the stunt is being performed by professional drivers on a closed course.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll feel strangely unflattered by a celebrity comparison when you're described as looking like the crate they shipped Star Jones in.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
When they announce the pregnancy of the Washington Zoo's panda next week, just sit back and smile knowingly.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your first impression will be that you were so drunk you married the bearded lady, but moments later, you'll realize you made a mistake about the gender.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You're getting to the point where you'd kill for a cigarette, despite never having smoked in your life.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Early reviews will refer to you as "smart, sassy, sexy, and full of non-stop Broadway razzle-dazzle."
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'd have had a much better chance of acquittal if one of the witnesses against you hadn't been an Osmond.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You've joked about being a snacking machine, but you had no idea that you were specifically constructed by the Nabisco Corporation for its own dark product-consumptionpurposes.
