Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You foolishly disregard the old saying about buying pigs in pokes, explaining that the pokes were cunningly disguised as blankets.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The philosophical revelation that a container cannot contain itself will inspire you to develop a revolutionary new type of container.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your plan to have children by the time you are 35 will go awry when you're shown a cute picture of a Weimaraner puppy in a bucket.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars are sorry, but writing the poems of Theodore Roethke on lamp shades doesn't make you an artist.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Doctors will cite your habits of smoking, drinking, and eating fatty foods as the primary source of your happiness.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will soon have reason to question the moral, ethical, and intellectual motivations behind your choice of long-distance carriers.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Love, adventure, and laughs will not come to you, but they will come soon to a theater near you.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
America will one day view sexuality in a healthy way, but until then, there are those Chippendale dancers.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your efforts to come to an understanding of the world will result in your creating a polytheistic religion based on the worship of megaliths.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Marshall McLuhan once said schizophrenia may be a consequence of literacy. Avoid this by sticking strictly to watching TV.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your theory that language is instinctive rather than a learned behavior would be more interesting if you communicated in anything but grunts.
