Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though everything seems to be going fine between you and your love interest, you will be stricken with cancer to create dramatic tension in the third act.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will continue your pattern of taking two steps forward and thirty or forty back toward the nearest tavern.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your friend Nathan will continue to display talents and skills that make you seem boring by comparison.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
When driving through the desert, you should never stop and eat mysterious piles of birdseed, even if "FREE BIRDSEED" signs are stuck in them.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will soon learn the hard way that "motherly love" means different things to different mothers.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be unable to get the Led Zeppelin song "Stairway To Heaven" out of your head after discovering an actual stairway to heaven in a vacant lot.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Pain and humiliation will be your lot when a scheduling snafu pits you against the Detroit Red Wings two nights in a row.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Try not to hold those you love to impossible standards, such as being able to love you back.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will find it hard to emulate Alexander the Great as long as you are forced to work with Sandra the Dippy.
