Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be torn between finishing your heating and air-conditioning degree and earning big money right away in the thriving HVAC field.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
It might be time to move your family to the inner city to avoid the ever-present dangers of the suburban west side.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Try to resolve your deep-seated issues with your body soon, because you're not going to be in it much longer.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will experience a late flash of insight when you realize the gentleman actually meant that a man named "Hu" was on first base.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A report published in the journal Nature hypothesizes that both genetics and social dynamics are to blame for you being such an asshole.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The controversy over the photo of you meeting Hitler will continue to rage in spite of the scissor cuts, the Scotch tape, and the fact that your half is in color.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Disappointment will continue to haunt you in the form of the watery, weak stuff some dare to call "hot" salsa.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Studies find that nursing-home residents with children are happier and more at peace than those without. In 43 years, you will be a notable exception.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Though it's hardly your fault, you'll be despised by children around the world when Santa's desiccated corpse is found stuck in your chimney.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will soon come under heavy criticism for the lack of minority representation in your record collection.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It does not benefit you to continue producing, directing, and starring in your own cooking show years after it last aired.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A Japanese fishing boat will catch you off the Philippine coast this week, astonishing scientists who thought you'd been extinct since the Pleistocene era.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.