Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be torn between finishing your heating and air-conditioning degree and earning big money right away in the thriving HVAC field.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It might be time to move your family to the inner city to avoid the ever-present dangers of the suburban west side.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Try to resolve your deep-seated issues with your body soon, because you're not going to be in it much longer.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will experience a late flash of insight when you realize the gentleman actually meant that a man named "Hu" was on first base.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A report published in the journal Nature hypothesizes that both genetics and social dynamics are to blame for you being such an asshole.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The controversy over the photo of you meeting Hitler will continue to rage in spite of the scissor cuts, the Scotch tape, and the fact that your half is in color.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Disappointment will continue to haunt you in the form of the watery, weak stuff some dare to call "hot" salsa.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Studies find that nursing-home residents with children are happier and more at peace than those without. In 43 years, you will be a notable exception.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Though it's hardly your fault, you'll be despised by children around the world when Santa's desiccated corpse is found stuck in your chimney.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will soon come under heavy criticism for the lack of minority representation in your record collection.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It does not benefit you to continue producing, directing, and starring in your own cooking show years after it last aired.
