Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for \$93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
Libra September 23 - October 23
That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she's ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.
Past Horoscopes
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Aries You'll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you're the nation's leading supplier of horse laxatives.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Taurus Clear and open communication is the key to a successful marriage. Signal to your wife that you love her using the semaphoric alphabet.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Gemini You'll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Cancer Prom can be the most memorable night in a young girl's life. However, if the barbiturates do their job, she should still have trouble identifying you the next morning.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Leo Scientists will discover a new substance more dense than uranium and plutonium combined, at which point you'll kindly ask that they leave your home.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Virgo All of your sins will come back to haunt you— especially those involving boomerangs, tether-balls, and vengeful homing pigeons.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Libra While it's true that your marriage isn't dead yet, the circling vultures and lurking coyotes can't be a good sign.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Scorpio You'll still be able to count the number of times you've suffered a woodshop accident on one hand, although it'll take a little more ingenuity and creativity than before.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Sagittarius Your mother always said she wasn't made of money, but you and your local blood donor clinic are going to prove her wrong.