Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for \$93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.
