Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
There's nothing wrong with you that a good night's sleep wouldn't cure. Assuming, of course, that you don't count the bone cancer.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've done endless reading on the subject and participated in hundreds of simulations, but you will still find yourself unprepared for actual sex.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your long search for a viable alternative energy source may finally be over when you discover a potent, readily available white powder that goes up your nose.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A sign in your workplace boasts more than a thousand days without a lost-time accident, but that's only because they don't count your constant rebreaking of the same leg.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll eventually be the one to get the girl, thanks to your patience and the fact that you don't care that she's dead.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The old ass-Xeroxing prank will go awry when your boss catches you in the act and makes you the ass-Xeroxing supervisor for the entire Northeast region.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You don't regret choosing the Jermaine Stewart classic for your personal theme song, but you're starting to think it would be nice to occasionally take your clothes off to have a good time.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
After months of soul-searching, you'll finally decide to write your memoirs, but it winds up taking less than three days.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your family will react to your declaration that you don't want a fancy, overblown funeral with relief and increased murder attempts.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Police will immediately rule you out as a suspect in the Case of the Impressive, Well-Spoken, Sexy Bandit.
