Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll prove an unwritten law of travel when your postcards arrive a week after your coffin is flown back.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the hammer of Gene Dubrowski, a local roofer.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will nearly drown when your classically educated mother submerges you in the Ohio River to give you invincibility.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Rocket skates, giant magnets, and anvils are all well and good, but as the new president of Acme, you're expected to come up with the next Swiffer.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
They said they'd be right back after those important messages, but the messages weren't all that important and it's been almost 14 years.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will gain a much greater understanding of what makes women tick when you take one apart and study her in minute detail.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your constant whining about your shoeless condition will continue unabated even after you see a man who has no feet.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your life takes a sudden aggressive and violent turn when you start asking yourself how General Patton would handle workplace conflicts.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
About this upcoming Thursday: Let that be a lesson to you about whom you loan power tools, money, and gasoline.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Those you love most will soon gather together with you and ask a judge to put you away for as long as the law allows.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The older you get, the more you're convinced that we were all put in this retirement home for a reason.
