Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You've been feeling bad about wasting your life, but there's really nothing useful you could have done with it, anyway.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The inexplicable rain that always pours from underneath your umbrella will finally stop, moments before your derby hat catches fire.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You know those guys in Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert? The stars think those guys must be, like, gay.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your weekly visit to the cemetery goes bad when you tell your problems to your mom's grave just as the sarcastic zombies begin to rise.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The search for meaning in life is a worthy pursuit, but the search for meaning in your particular life is a real waste of time.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It turns out Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, who classified the clouds, named the cold, fat, puffy little damp ones after you.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The engineering principles behind the suspension bridge make it possible for you to plummet from a great height into extremely deep water this week.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will continue to honor the great American democratic tradition of blindly trusting and obeying those you deem superior to yourself.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
True to your mediocre nature, you will soon be confronted with a difficult choice between the Homely Lady and the Passive, Undersized Tiger.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
For the last time, that's not "ball lightning." It's a form of static electricity unique to your unusually hirsute groin.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You're starting to think that if men had been meant to swim through solid rock as if it were water, they would have been born with fulminating lava ducts.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.