Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You've been feeling bad about wasting your life, but there's really nothing useful you could have done with it, anyway.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The inexplicable rain that always pours from underneath your umbrella will finally stop, moments before your derby hat catches fire.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You know those guys in Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert? The stars think those guys must be, like, gay.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your weekly visit to the cemetery goes bad when you tell your problems to your mom's grave just as the sarcastic zombies begin to rise.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The search for meaning in life is a worthy pursuit, but the search for meaning in your particular life is a real waste of time.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It turns out Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, who classified the clouds, named the cold, fat, puffy little damp ones after you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The engineering principles behind the suspension bridge make it possible for you to plummet from a great height into extremely deep water this week.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will continue to honor the great American democratic tradition of blindly trusting and obeying those you deem superior to yourself.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
True to your mediocre nature, you will soon be confronted with a difficult choice between the Homely Lady and the Passive, Undersized Tiger.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
For the last time, that's not "ball lightning." It's a form of static electricity unique to your unusually hirsute groin.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
