Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll finally be contacted by your long-lost birth parents, but the nine signatures on the letter bring about more questions than answers.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be requested by the President's Special Commission For The Study Of Television to hold the rabbit ears just like that until Guiding Light is over.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Most of the people who told you to "just believe in yourself" didn't realize that you think you're the illegitimate son of Osiris and the Michelin Man.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your efforts to start a new religion in which you're worshipped as the messiah would go farther if you didn't have long hair, a beard, and stigmata.
Leo July 23 - August 22
It turns out that your weakness isn't the color yellow after all, but bullets, knives, and angry packs of badgers.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You still have no idea what makes women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of watchmakers.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You've asked the man in the mirror to change his ways, but he only responds by howling like a fiend and force-feeding you shards of broken glass.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
In spite of the circumstances that brought you together, it would deeply hurt the executioner if you took it personally.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll suffer the kind of low-down, yellow-dog, non-poetic blues that inspire people to urinate on you while you lie weeping in the gutter.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
While it's true that God's plan cannot be known by men, be assured that at no time has it ever had anything to do with you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though they say you can never step in the same river twice, you'll find that you can fall headfirst into the same drainage ditch five times.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will soon come to appreciate the little things in life, such as the amount of it you have left.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.