Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll finally be contacted by your long-lost birth parents, but the nine signatures on the letter bring about more questions than answers.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be requested by the President's Special Commission For The Study Of Television to hold the rabbit ears just like that until Guiding Light is over.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Most of the people who told you to "just believe in yourself" didn't realize that you think you're the illegitimate son of Osiris and the Michelin Man.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your efforts to start a new religion in which you're worshipped as the messiah would go farther if you didn't have long hair, a beard, and stigmata.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It turns out that your weakness isn't the color yellow after all, but bullets, knives, and angry packs of badgers.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You still have no idea what makes women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of watchmakers.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've asked the man in the mirror to change his ways, but he only responds by howling like a fiend and force-feeding you shards of broken glass.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
In spite of the circumstances that brought you together, it would deeply hurt the executioner if you took it personally.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll suffer the kind of low-down, yellow-dog, non-poetic blues that inspire people to urinate on you while you lie weeping in the gutter.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While it's true that God's plan cannot be known by men, be assured that at no time has it ever had anything to do with you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though they say you can never step in the same river twice, you'll find that you can fall headfirst into the same drainage ditch five times.
