Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Sometimes, you just have to step back, relax, and take a deep breath. However, you might also find it helpful to get some heavy radiation therapy.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
This is a great time for romance to bloom at workña fact you won't realize until it's no longer a great time.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll soon be "downsized," but don't worry: You'll keep your job and instead lose 20 pounds and two feet of height.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will remind many of Abraham Lincoln, with your oratory gifts, dedication to equality, and habit of getting shot in the head at theaters.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll be forced to change your hairstyle and gain 165 pounds when John Goodman is chosen to play you in a new movie.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You're not the kind of person who lets physical handicaps get in your way, but that's because you're a flesh-eating zombie.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your battle with hair loss intensifies this week when hair loss brings in artillery to support the infantry positions it established near your supply routes.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The police will haul you downtown to answer a few questions about where babies come from and if Daddy was hurting Mommy.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Everybody always speaks admiringly of what a survivor you are, but Thursday's events will make liars of them all.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your bold plan for stimulating small businesses through tax incentives would get more attention if you weren't a drunk living under a bridge.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are destined to become a major sex symbol, just as soon as societal attitudes toward sex become far less healthy.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your natural stubbornness comes in handy when your opponent's arguments turn out to be supported by hard facts and credible evidence.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.