Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Sometimes, you just have to step back, relax, and take a deep breath. However, you might also find it helpful to get some heavy radiation therapy.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
This is a great time for romance to bloom at workña fact you won't realize until it's no longer a great time.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll soon be "downsized," but don't worry: You'll keep your job and instead lose 20 pounds and two feet of height.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will remind many of Abraham Lincoln, with your oratory gifts, dedication to equality, and habit of getting shot in the head at theaters.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll be forced to change your hairstyle and gain 165 pounds when John Goodman is chosen to play you in a new movie.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're not the kind of person who lets physical handicaps get in your way, but that's because you're a flesh-eating zombie.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your battle with hair loss intensifies this week when hair loss brings in artillery to support the infantry positions it established near your supply routes.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The police will haul you downtown to answer a few questions about where babies come from and if Daddy was hurting Mommy.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Everybody always speaks admiringly of what a survivor you are, but Thursday's events will make liars of them all.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your bold plan for stimulating small businesses through tax incentives would get more attention if you weren't a drunk living under a bridge.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You are destined to become a major sex symbol, just as soon as societal attitudes toward sex become far less healthy.
