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Past Horoscopes

March 9, 2010

Aries You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.

March 2, 2010

Taurus Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.

February 16, 2010

Gemini Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

February 9, 2010

Cancer The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.

February 2, 2010

Leo The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.

January 26, 2010

Virgo You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.

January 19, 2010

Libra Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.

January 12, 2010

Scorpio Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.

January 5, 2010

Sagittarius Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.

See All Horoscopes

December 20, 2000 | Issue 36•46

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for life.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science-fiction convention.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won't follow it.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Love alone will fail to see you through the hard times. It's a good thing you're also incredibly rich.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Next time, ask yourself: How would I feel if I were a nurse and someone murdered me that way?

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words "fiery," "dynamite," and "vengeance" in your letter to the president.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You used to think that it would be cool to have a computer implanted in your skull, but it turns out it's not.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you'd take some if you liked it, but you don't. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your town's beloved teen center will not mature along with you.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

On second thought, maybe the idea of an Irish-themed rap group was kind of silly, after all.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Put it back. Don't look at Aquarius like you don't know what it's talking about. Put it back. Now!

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

You will learn the hard way that cryogenically freezing yourself until a cure for cancer is found is not something you just do at home.

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