Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for life.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science-fiction convention.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won't follow it.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Love alone will fail to see you through the hard times. It's a good thing you're also incredibly rich.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Next time, ask yourself: How would I feel if I were a nurse and someone murdered me that way?
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words "fiery," "dynamite," and "vengeance" in your letter to the president.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You used to think that it would be cool to have a computer implanted in your skull, but it turns out it's not.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you'd take some if you liked it, but you don't. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your town's beloved teen center will not mature along with you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
On second thought, maybe the idea of an Irish-themed rap group was kind of silly, after all.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Put it back. Don't look at Aquarius like you don't know what it's talking about. Put it back. Now!
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will learn the hard way that cryogenically freezing yourself until a cure for cancer is found is not something you just do at home.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.