Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for life.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science-fiction convention.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won't follow it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Love alone will fail to see you through the hard times. It's a good thing you're also incredibly rich.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Next time, ask yourself: How would I feel if I were a nurse and someone murdered me that way?
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words "fiery," "dynamite," and "vengeance" in your letter to the president.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You used to think that it would be cool to have a computer implanted in your skull, but it turns out it's not.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you'd take some if you liked it, but you don't. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your town's beloved teen center will not mature along with you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
On second thought, maybe the idea of an Irish-themed rap group was kind of silly, after all.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Put it back. Don't look at Aquarius like you don't know what it's talking about. Put it back. Now!
