Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The courts deny your request to change your name, forcing you to remain John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for life.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be disappointed when no one is surprised to hear that you attended a science-fiction convention.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will discover a new miracle weight-loss plan that will enable you to lose weight and get in shape. Then you won't follow it.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Love alone will fail to see you through the hard times. It's a good thing you're also incredibly rich.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Next time, ask yourself: How would I feel if I were a nurse and someone murdered me that way?
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will be mortified to realize that you misspelled the words "fiery," "dynamite," and "vengeance" in your letter to the president.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You used to think that it would be cool to have a computer implanted in your skull, but it turns out it's not.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
When offered potato salad, decline politely, saying that you'd take some if you liked it, but you don't. Unless you do like it. In that case, by all means, have some potato salad.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will feel both alienated and betrayed when you realize that your town's beloved teen center will not mature along with you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
On second thought, maybe the idea of an Irish-themed rap group was kind of silly, after all.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Put it back. Don't look at Aquarius like you don't know what it's talking about. Put it back. Now!
