Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Give a starving man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to cook a fish, though, and he'll starve to death with a clearer picture of what he's missing.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your heart may have been in the right place, but it really isn't appropriate to craft a menorah out of Oscar Mayer hot dogs.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Despite what you believe, your tendency to confuse Keats and Wordsworth is far from your greatest flaw.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The classics tell us that the only result of hubris is humiliation, but it's not your fault you are the proud mountain goat.
Leo July 23 - August 22
An adventurous ménage á trois turns out to be somewhat of a letdown when you are not invited to participate.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
One day, long after your death, your analysis of Samuel Butler's epic Hudibras will eclipse that of the great Rev. Treadway Russell Nash, for all the good that does you.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will be both flattered and worried when you gain renown as the World's Greatest Lover of Fatty Snacks.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your worldview will be shaken to the core when Car And Driver asks the disturbing question, "Is The Corvette Still King?"
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your life has been a litany of failure, dashed expectations, and unfulfilled dreams, but at least it's almost over.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The "shooting stars" in your sign may be space debris burning up in Earth's atmosphere, but they nevertheless presage famine, disease, and death.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of rage, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
No one at the hospital will be able to convince you that, defending its territory or not, the alpaca didn't have the whole thing planned in advance.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.