Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Give a starving man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to cook a fish, though, and he'll starve to death with a clearer picture of what he's missing.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your heart may have been in the right place, but it really isn't appropriate to craft a menorah out of Oscar Mayer hot dogs.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Despite what you believe, your tendency to confuse Keats and Wordsworth is far from your greatest flaw.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The classics tell us that the only result of hubris is humiliation, but it's not your fault you are the proud mountain goat.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
An adventurous ménage á trois turns out to be somewhat of a letdown when you are not invited to participate.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
One day, long after your death, your analysis of Samuel Butler's epic Hudibras will eclipse that of the great Rev. Treadway Russell Nash, for all the good that does you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be both flattered and worried when you gain renown as the World's Greatest Lover of Fatty Snacks.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your worldview will be shaken to the core when Car And Driver asks the disturbing question, "Is The Corvette Still King?"
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your life has been a litany of failure, dashed expectations, and unfulfilled dreams, but at least it's almost over.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The "shooting stars" in your sign may be space debris burning up in Earth's atmosphere, but they nevertheless presage famine, disease, and death.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of rage, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
