Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your life will be lauded by parents' groups for containing no sex, drugs, profanity, violence, or adult situations.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Though he appreciates the extra money, the ice-cream man is starting to get a little freaked out by the way you follow him around all the time.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your biggest weakness is not, as you believe, your lack of self-confidence. It's the two-inch soft spot in your aorta.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You think you're embroiled in an unprecedented scandal, but you forgot that Catherine The Great, Fatty Arbuckle, and Marv Albert all came before you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You discover exactly what it means to owe the Mafia a favor when you find yourself forced to mow a lot of shady characters' lawns.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Destiny has decided that you are a weak and unworthy vessel for its purposes. Starting next week, you'll be replaced with Robert Vaughn.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your fears of becoming a trendy but bland person deepen when you are featured on page 77 of the IKEA catalog.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
A tragic but not life-altering accident will be all the excuse you need to get menacing hooks where your ring and pinky fingers once were.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your trick of using numbers related to Andrew Jackson's presidency and a right triangle to remember the digits of the mathematical constant e is both effective and the geekiest thing ever.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your dream wedding hits an unexpected snag when you fail to obtain the rights to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
After a long investigation, experts will conclude it's a miracle that no one was hurt but you and the camel-rental guy.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your life story is the kind of thing people pay good money to see, which isn't good when you think about what bloodthirsty bastards people are.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.