Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your life will be lauded by parents' groups for containing no sex, drugs, profanity, violence, or adult situations.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Though he appreciates the extra money, the ice-cream man is starting to get a little freaked out by the way you follow him around all the time.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your biggest weakness is not, as you believe, your lack of self-confidence. It's the two-inch soft spot in your aorta.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You think you're embroiled in an unprecedented scandal, but you forgot that Catherine The Great, Fatty Arbuckle, and Marv Albert all came before you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You discover exactly what it means to owe the Mafia a favor when you find yourself forced to mow a lot of shady characters' lawns.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Destiny has decided that you are a weak and unworthy vessel for its purposes. Starting next week, you'll be replaced with Robert Vaughn.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your fears of becoming a trendy but bland person deepen when you are featured on page 77 of the IKEA catalog.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A tragic but not life-altering accident will be all the excuse you need to get menacing hooks where your ring and pinky fingers once were.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your trick of using numbers related to Andrew Jackson's presidency and a right triangle to remember the digits of the mathematical constant e is both effective and the geekiest thing ever.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your dream wedding hits an unexpected snag when you fail to obtain the rights to Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
After a long investigation, experts will conclude it's a miracle that no one was hurt but you and the camel-rental guy.
