Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your new romantic partner will turn out to be the best thing ever to happen to you. Please notice that we said "thing," not "person."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You really ought to have a close friend or family member explain the function of that roll of soft paper that hangs by the toilet as soon as possible.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your view of history as a nightmare from which you are trying to escape seems awfully pretentious, as no one will remember you five minutes from now.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars foretell a glorious and prosperous future for you during this year's Zodiacal Sweeps Week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Technically, what you're having is not a shotgun wedding. Those are when someone else has the shotgun.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be banned from the nation's highways after catastrophically failing your federally mandated crash test.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Though your dietary habits are disgusting beyond description, it is probably unfair to apply human standards to a turkey vulture like yourself.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your remarkable talent for procrastination will result in your winning the Nobel Prize For Literature Thrown Together At The Very Last Possible Minute.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
"In Between Days" is the best Cure song. That's all there is to it, and Capricorn doesn't want to hear any different.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The psychologists running the tests are repulsed by the strength of your attraction to the wire mother.
