Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your new romantic partner will turn out to be the best thing ever to happen to you. Please notice that we said "thing," not "person."
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You really ought to have a close friend or family member explain the function of that roll of soft paper that hangs by the toilet as soon as possible.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your view of history as a nightmare from which you are trying to escape seems awfully pretentious, as no one will remember you five minutes from now.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The lifetime supply of Twinkies you won in that contest turns out to be only half a box, indicating that the Hostess corporation knows something you don't.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars foretell a glorious and prosperous future for you during this year's Zodiacal Sweeps Week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Technically, what you're having is not a shotgun wedding. Those are when someone else has the shotgun.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will be banned from the nation's highways after catastrophically failing your federally mandated crash test.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Though your dietary habits are disgusting beyond description, it is probably unfair to apply human standards to a turkey vulture like yourself.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your remarkable talent for procrastination will result in your winning the Nobel Prize For Literature Thrown Together At The Very Last Possible Minute.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
"In Between Days" is the best Cure song. That's all there is to it, and Capricorn doesn't want to hear any different.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The psychologists running the tests are repulsed by the strength of your attraction to the wire mother.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't bother lying to the police when they pull you over next Friday. They'll have already figured out that the tank was stolen.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.