Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your so-called "perfect crime" will be utterly transparent to anyone who's read pages 823-828 of O'Hara's Fundamentals Of Criminal Investigation.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Plato claimed that our ideas are borne of our souls and not derived from our experience, but you get most of yours from the TV.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Eventually, it will occur to you that every interesting thing that's happened in your life actually happened to someone around you, and you just watched.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The point isn't that the emperor is unclothed, nor is it that no one dares acknowledge this. The point is that people think a naked emperor is sexier.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be kept in the supermarket after it closes and forced to retake all the taste tests until you pass.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will experience great prosperity after realizing that people's best impulses can be used against them.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The letter code CAG is used to signify the amino acid glutamine. This will be extremely important next Thursday.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
It turns out, you don't die if you hit the ground while falling in a dream. You merely lie in a pool of blood and bone shards until you wake up hours later.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will take refuge from a storm at a lonely roadside tavern, where strangers will regale you with some of the most boring stories you've ever heard.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Next Friday in the Kmart employee breakroom, you will be moved by a thought so achingly beautiful that you dare not share it with anyone, ever.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Sooner or later, you're going to have to fess up to those who blame Yoko Ono for breaking up The Beatles and tell them the terrible things you and Pete Best did.
