Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be crushed to learn that the Black Sabbath song is titled "Fairies Wear Boots," not "Aries" as you had long thought. Return all your boots.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The dog next door will speak to you with the voice of Satan, commanding you to bring it the unclean meat which masquerades as bacon but is not bacon.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Tell those smartalecks at work that if they think your job is so easy, they should try inheriting the nation's third-largest paper-goods manufacturing firm.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Federal investigators sent to the disaster site will find it hard to discount your standing there with a bloody tire iron.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will not be sure how to take it after you're described as "the Sherwood Anderson of Sailor Moon fan fiction."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It's not that you're in a no-win situation; it's just that you can't win.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your cat does nothing all day but wash itself and play with a sparkly ball, so it seems you'll have to solve the vicar's murder all by yourself.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
This birthday may mark the halfway point of your life, but look on the bright side: You're finally old enough to drive.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your field research disproves conventional wisdom, demonstrating that pimping is, in fact, extremely easy.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be recognized as the voice of small-town America after getting drunk and singing George Jones songs in the street all night.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.