Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be crushed to learn that the Black Sabbath song is titled "Fairies Wear Boots," not "Aries" as you had long thought. Return all your boots.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The dog next door will speak to you with the voice of Satan, commanding you to bring it the unclean meat which masquerades as bacon but is not bacon.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Tell those smartalecks at work that if they think your job is so easy, they should try inheriting the nation's third-largest paper-goods manufacturing firm.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Federal investigators sent to the disaster site will find it hard to discount your standing there with a bloody tire iron.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will not be sure how to take it after you're described as "the Sherwood Anderson of Sailor Moon fan fiction."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your cat does nothing all day but wash itself and play with a sparkly ball, so it seems you'll have to solve the vicar's murder all by yourself.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
This birthday may mark the halfway point of your life, but look on the bright side: You're finally old enough to drive.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your field research disproves conventional wisdom, demonstrating that pimping is, in fact, extremely easy.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will be recognized as the voice of small-town America after getting drunk and singing George Jones songs in the street all night.
