Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your week will be full of success, tempered by depression over the fact that your future can be boiled down to single sentences.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You're starting to suspect that the makers of heroin are trying to turn it into a whole way of life instead of just a drug.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your view of yourself as the victim in every situation will earn you your own cable talk show.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A published collection of your letters will achieve success not for its literary merit, but because you always chose such neat postcards.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It's okay: You're just big-boned, which, along with your anorexia, makes you look like an inflatable skeleton.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will be nonplussed to receive a lifetime achievement award from the National Association for the Advancement of Lifetimes.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will contract a dangerous virus that will target both your brain and the 18- to 26-year-old male demographic.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
As a poet once said, "All who ever lived have died/But not one died of love, nay, nor of a broken heart." Consequently, you're going to need a gun.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be shocked to learn that your Las Vegas wedding, performed by a transvestite Elvis impersonator, is neither legal nor binding.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Don't just demand the best from yourself and those around you. Demand coffee from yourself and those around you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will develop a cosmology rooted in the notion that holy vessels containing God's divine light were shattered to create the universe, only to realize that you're about the two billionth person to do so.
