Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your plan to cash in by pretending to be the long-lost offspring of a celebrity fails when a jury notices you look nothing like Bigmouth Billy Bass.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You find yourself with a career in academia when a banana peel puts you in the physics, comedy, and medical textbooks.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
A longstanding neurosis will disappear this week when, during pillow talk, your mother assures you that your Oedipal complex is imaginary.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will lose the respect of your fellow wizards when your "Magic Pancakes" turn out to be normal pancakes made with sour cream instead of buttermilk.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The stars indicate through subtle, non-verbal cues that you have the worst bad breath they've ever encountered.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The "arrogance and hubris" you display by choosing a cabinet is noted to the press by your spouse, who has not yet decided if the two of you are getting a new kitchen.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Ballistics tests conducted by top experts in the field will reveal that you throw like a goddamn girl.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your refusal to become a team player is a disappointment to the others in your sign. Remember, it's not Sagittari-you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your growing paranoia is all in your mindñjust ask the KGB field operative who turned you into a top double agent.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It's time to start acting your age: When most people turn 87, they've been dead a couple years.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You are mystified by everyone's ability to deduce your musical tastes, political beliefs, and sexual habits from your sweater-vests.
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.