Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
When all is said and done, and your time on Earth is finished, you will just barely have made it to the end of this sentence.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Everything will go smoothly this week, except for the part with the monkeys and the cream pies.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Nothing can stop you now that you have reached light speed and your mass has become almost infinite.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will survive the upcoming bloody purge at your workplace only to discover that you're the only one left to pay for all the coffins.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will regret your vote in the recent presidential election when a pack of Corvairs storms your house and kills your entire family.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Stop worrying: It's impossible to be perfect, and people enjoy almost everything about you. It's not your fault that your gizzard is tough, stringy, and tasteless.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
After years of resistance, you will be forced to admit that a strong centralized government that relies on popular hatred of a common enemy is a flawed concept that can't work in the long run.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Scientists at the Metropolis Institute of Applied Geology will be happy to loan you the kryptonite–until they discover what you want it for.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Things being the way they are, you might want to hold off on further pyramid construction until science can prove the designer's far-fetched claims.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will learn through harsh experience that you would, in fact, not rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
